


Modern Human Nonsense

by TheDiamondAuthorityDidIt



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, I might accidentally make this mainly Yellow x Blue, You've been warned, chatfic au, chatfic that no one asked for, lot of implied mature content, so many random long tags, why do I love the diamonds so much
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-06-08 00:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15231099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDiamondAuthorityDidIt/pseuds/TheDiamondAuthorityDidIt
Summary: The Steven Universe chatfic that no one asked for.





	1. We are the Crystal Gems

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry I made this a thing
> 
> Updates weekly (hopefully?)
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga

[  **Steven Universe**  added  **Pearl, Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM, Ruby, Sapphire, Garnet, Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, and Connie Maheswaran**  to the group. ]  
  
[  **Steven Universe**  changed the group name to  **We are the Crystal Gems**. ]

 

 **Steven Universe:**  hi guys!  
  
**Steven Universe:**  since everyone here has a phone or tablet of some sort, I decided to create a group chat for us all to enjoy!  
  
**Steven Universe:**  there are some pretty cool features on this, like…

[  **Steven Universe**  has changed their nickname to  **Steven**. ]

 **Steven:**  isn’t that awesome?

[  **Garnet** has entered the chat ]

[  **Pearl**  has entered the chat ]

[  **Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG**  has entered the chat ]

[  **Connie**  has entered the chat ]

[  **Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM** has entered the chat ]

[  **Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM**  has changed their nickname to  **Amethyst**. ]

 **Garnet:**  this is not going to end well.

 **Pearl:**  Hello everyone! Yes, I now have a brand new CELLULAR PHONE!

 **Amethyst:**  but p, you havent used it once.

 **Pearl:**  Yes I have, I just used it to send two messages in this brand new "group chat"!

[  **Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG**  has changed their nickname to  **Peridot**. ]

 **Peridot:**  HI EVERYONE!!!

 **Amethyst:**  hey peri

 **Steven:**  Hey Peridot!

 **Pearl:**  Well hello there, Peridot! Aren’t you at the barn though?

 **Peridot:**  Yes, but I managed to create this wonderful machine that gives us unlimited WiFi here! HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN!! I have a video that I recorded WITH THIS WONDERFUL TABLET I HAVE and it’s very brief, I’ll just have to attach it to the chat!

 **Peridot:**  [WiFi_Mechanism_Explanation_1h17s.mp4]

 **Amethyst:**  brief? peri, its an hour long.

 **Peridot:**  The ORIGINAL explanation was three hours long! Here, let me send it to you!

 **Peridot:**  [WiFi_Mechanism_Explanation_3h15m42s.mp4]

 **Pearl:**  How many of these did you record?

 **Peridot:**  SIXTY-EIGHT! I know, incredible, right? They were all at least an hour long. The first one I sent was the shortest!

 **Garnet:**  Don’t.

 **Peridot:**  ...what?

 **Garnet:**  you’re going to try to attach all of the videos. i advise you not to do so. your wifi not capable of that. besides, no one wants to see them.

 **Pearl:**  All… 68… files?!

 **Amethyst:**  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA

 **Steven:**  oh boy.

[  **Connie Maheswaran**  has changed their nickname to  **Connie**. ]

 **Connie:**  Sorry I didn’t talk earlier! I was at tennis practice.

 **Connie:**  ...well this is certainly an interesting group chat.

 **Steven:**  HI CONNIE!

 **Connie:**  Hey Steven!

 **Pearl:**  Hello Connie, nice to see you!

 **Connie:**  Hi Pearl! Nice to see you too!

 **Pearl:**  Oh Connie and Steven! I have the best idea for our training session tomorrow. It is absolutely harmless and I promise you it’ll be fun!

 **Garnet:**  it won’t be fun. unless you’re amethyst.

 **Amethyst:**  ooohh!!!1!! wait what?

 **Pearl:**  I’m sure they’ll enjoy it!

 **Connie:**  Alright, ma’am! I’m looking forward to it!

 **Steven:**  me too!

 **Garnet:**  don’t say i didn’t warn you two.

 **Steven:**  oh my god! crying breakfast friends is on in a few minutes. I’ll be back in thirty minutes!!

[  **Steven**  has gone idle ]

 **Connie:**  He still watches that show? What's the point?

 **Garnet:**  i've never understood the appeal of that show either.

 **Amethyst:**  well, in that case…

 **Garnet:**  please don’t.

 **Amethyst:**  aw cmon! hes not here rn!

 **Garnet:**  he will be later.

 **Pearl:**  Amethyst, whatever you’re planning, please don’t.

 **Garnet:**  told you this wasn’t going to end well.

 **Pearl:**  But Steven wanted it! And he was so excited to talk to everyone again…

 **Garnet:**  that’s why i didn’t argue. he does like socializing and hasn’t done it in quite some time.

 **Garnet:** but it's still a relatively bad idea.

 **Garnet:**  watch out, this chat is about to be blown up.

 **Peridot:**   _BEHOOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

 **Peridot:**  [WiFi_Mechanism_Explanation.zip]

 **Amethyst:**  what the fuck is that

 **Pearl:**  LANGUAGE!!

 **Amethyst:**  fuck off

 **Pearl:**  AMETHYST!

 **Peridot:**  I compressed all sixty-eight files into one zip folder! If you want to see them you’ll have to extract all of the files! Don’t worry, I made another folder of explanations on how to extract the content from a zip folder!

 **Garnet:**  peridot no.

 **Peridot:**  PERIDOT YES!

 **Garnet:** don't.

[ The group server has shut down unexpectedly due to information overflow. ]

 


	2. Issues

\-- **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

[ **Garnet** has come online ]

[ **Amethyst** has come online ]

[ **Peridot** has come online ]

[ **Connie** has come online ]

 **Connie:** What happened?

 **Connie:** I had some weird notification earlier today saying the group chat shut down.

 **Connie:** I thought Steven deleted it or something.

 **Garnet:** peridot, i told you not to.

 **Peridot:** But but but! My device! I made it specifically so that it can withstand such a large amount of information. It should have worked!

 **Garnet:** it wasn’t your device. it was the server. you crashed the server.

 **Peridot:** Which clod designed this stupid server? I’LL GO SHOW THEM HOW IT REALLY WORKS!

 **Garnet:** peridot no

 **Peridot:** PERIDOT YES!

[ **Peridot** has gone idle ]

 **Connie:** So… is anyone going to explain to me what happened?

 **Garnet:** something happened.

 **Connie:** Well, no duh. So what happened, specifically?

 **Garnet:** peridot thought it was a good idea to send a zipped folder with more than 1000 videos of her explaining how to extract and open files from a zipped folder into the group chat.

 **Garnet:** needless to say, it crashed the server.

[ **Pearl** has come online ]

 **Pearl:** Of course it crashed! There was absolutely no way the server wouldn’t crash. The server has barely the capacity to send a zipped folder of 200GB, or gigabytes, which is 1000MB or megabytes for comparison. I have no idea how she managed to send the first file, but the second file… I ended up checking her tablet, she apparently upgraded it herself so it can hold more than 2 billion GB. I didn’t know that was possible, but after some experimentation and some research I did with Peridot it looks lik

 **Pearl:** There’s a limit of only 500 characters?

 **Pearl:**  They really need to update this group chat application.

 **Pearl:** Speaking of which, I couldn’t stop Peridot from filming another 250 or so videos of data flow explanations and experiments.

 **Pearl:** I’m really sorry.

 **Pearl:** Maybe she won't post them this time?

[ **Steven** has come online ]

 **Amethyst:** well shit

 **Pearl:** Amethyst, language! Steven’s here!

 **Steven:** hi guys!

 **Steven:** no no, Pearl, it’s fine! don’t worry about it.

 **Pearl:** No, it’s not fine!

 **Amethyst:** just listen to him, p, hes grown up, hell be fine with a few swearwords

 **Steven:** well, I came here to ask why I saw Peridot running out of the house with her tablet.

 **Garnet:** she went to find the people who designed this server.

 **Garnet:** it’ll be pretty hard, seeing that this app was from homeworld.

 **Steven:** HOMEWORLD?

 **Garnet:** yeah. i can’t make new accounts since you have to register them in homeworld, so i just gave you rose’s account. connie got pearl’s spare account.

 **Connie:** Which was wiped specifically for me!

 **Steven:** my mom’s account? dang

 **Steven:** but it’s wiped as well…

 **Pearl:** Yes! I wiped it myself.

 **Steven:** thanks, Pearl.

 **Steven:** wait, so Peridot is trying to track down Homeworld technicians right now?

 **Garnet:** basically, yes.

 **Steven:** fuck

 **Pearl:** STEVEN! LANGUAGE! Look what you’ve done, Amethyst.

 **Amethyst:** omg its not like a swearword is going to come out and shatter him in his sleep

 **Amethyst:** otherwise i would be dead a long time ago

 **Amethyst:** actually so would all of us, i think

 **Pearl:** This is not okay! Steven shouldn’t be swearing!

 **Amethyst:** it’s one swearword

 **Amethyst:** chill

 **Connie:** I’ve sworn before.

 **Connie:** But… my parents grounded me.

 **Connie:** For a week or so. I forget.

 **Connie:** But it’s not like I really had an interesting life back then. Now, I’m with Steven and you guys and everything is so much more interesting!

 **Steven:** and dangerous. look, Connie, I never wanted to involve you in this.

 **Connie:** But I want to help!

 **Pearl:** Oh my stars, my babies are so cute together!

 **Amethyst:** never say the words “my babies” together ever again.

 **Amethyst:** before you ask why, just don’t.

 **Amethyst:** its for your own good.

 **Pearl:** But they are!

 **Amethyst:** P I LOVE YOU BUT YOU JUST RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD MOMENT

 **Pearl:** Oh, did I? I’m so sorry, you two. Carry on.

 **Amethyst:** iT DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT

 **Pearl:** It doesn’t?

 **Connie:** Steven, I’m gonna… go. If you want to talk to me, just call me, okay?

 **Steven:** sure! bye, Connie! see ya!

[ **Connie** has gone offline ]

 **Amethyst:** p, are you really that clueless?

 **Pearl:** What did I do wrong?

 **Amethyst:** you fucking interrupted them

 **Steven:** Amethyst, it’s fine, honestly.

 **Amethyst:** no its not, i wanted to see them say cute things and confess their love to each other

 **Amethyst:** fuck youre steven not pearl

 **Amethyst:** forget i said that

[ **Amethyst** has gone offline ]

 **Pearl:** You do… like Connie, right? Like, like like?

 **Steven:** as a friend, yes!

 **Pearl:** What about…

 **Pearl:** I mean… like, do you… love her?

 **Pearl:** Not as a friend. As a possible significant other?

 **Pearl:** No no it’s just a hypothetical. It’s definitely a hypothetical.

 **Steven:** …

 **Steven:** I’m not admitting or denying anything.

[ **Steven** has gone offline ]

 **Garnet:** nice try, pearl.

 **Garnet:** you could have been more subtle, though.

 **Pearl:** Well, I tried. They’re so cute together!

 **Pearl:** Do you see them getting together in the future?

 **Pearl:** Like, together together?

 **Garnet:** whatever you do, don’t try to find or talk to steven in the next thirty minutes

 **Garnet:** and to answer your question

 **Garnet:** i’m not admitting or denying anything

[ **Garnet** has gone idle ]

 **Pearl:** Wait, I think I see Steven outside with his phone…

 **Pearl:** Dammit, Garnet!

[ **Pearl** has gone offline ]

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I said weekly updates but it's the summer so who cares (insert my future AP class teachers pointing angrily at the summer assignments I have yet to finish)
> 
> also yes hi hello you people who read my bullshit, thanks for being here
> 
> chapterly reminder of discord link and tumblr link  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> anyway see ya!


	3. Mistakes were made

\-- **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

[ **Amethyst** has come online ]

 **Amethyst:** FUCK

[ **Garnet** has come online ]

[ **Pearl** has come online ]

[ **Steven** has come online ]

 **Garnet:** i told you using a fork wasn’t going to fix it.

 **Steven:** fix what? what’s going on?

 **Pearl:** I’m very disappointed in you, Amethyst. Why on Earth would you jam a fork into a broken computer mouse in hopes of fixing it?

 **Amethyst:** I TRIED EVERYTHING

 **Pearl:** @Connie Amethyst made sure your computer mouse is completely unusable.

 **Amethyst:** ITS NOT MY FAULT IT WAS BROKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE

[ **Connie** has come online ]

 **Connie:** What happened?

 **Amethyst:** ALSO PEARL WHY DIDNT YOU JUST DO IT

 **Pearl:** I was busy doing the chores that _no one else wants to do_. Maybe if you had a little patience I would have helped!

 **Amethyst:** AT LEAST I TRIED TO HELP

 **Pearl:** IF YOU HAD A LITTLE COMMON SENSE YOU’D KNOW THAT SHOVING A FORK INTO A COMPUTER MOUSE ISN’T GOING TO FIX IT!

 **Steven:** STOP FIGHTING

 **Garnet:** both of you, shut up.

 **Connie:** So… I’m going to have to get a new mouse?

 **Pearl:** Don’t worry, Connie, I’ll pay for it.

 **Connie:** No no, ma’am, it’s alright.

 **Pearl:** I insist! I’ll pay for it because _someone_ broke it with a fork.

 **Amethyst:** im so done

 **Amethyst:** it wasnt even my fault

 **Pearl:** How much do these things cost?

 **Connie:** They’re around $10. My last one cost $8, I think.

 **Pearl:** I can take you shopping.

 **Steven:** ooh! can I come?

 **Pearl:** Yes, of course. How about Wednesday morning? I can pick you up, Connie, and we’ll go from your house to the store.

 **Connie:** Alright, ma’am! Let me tell my parents. I should be free.

 **Steven:** I can’t wait!

 **Pearl:** Please don’t bring money, I have plenty.

 **Pearl:** I will see you on Wednesday, then.

 **Connie:** Yep! Thank you so much!

 **Pearl:**  No problem, Connie. Don't worry about it.

[ **Connie** has gone offline ]

 **Steven:** I’m so excited! I haven’t seen her for a while.

 **Pearl:** She was literally just here yesterday.

 **Steven:** it’s been too long!!

 **Pearl:** 14.5 hours is like a blink of an eye to us gems.

 **Steven:** 14.5 hours too long!

 **Amethyst:** i think you got the answer to your question, p

 **Pearl:** Wait, what?

 **Amethyst:** ...never mind

 **Garnet:** well, i’ve never seen someone so oblivious to love cues

 **Steven:** they’re not love cues! we’re just friends!!!

 **Amethyst:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHC1230OpOg>

**Amethyst:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Garnet:** who showed amethyst what a meme was

 **Steven:** I did!

 **Steven:** and yes I am!! we’re only friends, there’s nothing more between us!

 **Amethyst:** sure you are ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[ **Steven** has gone offline ]

 **Garnet:** ...never mind, i think steven proved me wrong just now

 **Pearl:** SO IT’S OFFICIAL?

 **Garnet:** ...i’m not admitting or denying anything.

 **Pearl:** Just tell me!!

 **Amethyst:** are you serious

 **Pearl:** ?

 **Amethyst:** o shit youre actually serious

 **Amethyst:** wtf how can someone as smart as you be so oblivious at the same time

 **Amethyst:** im frightened and intrigued at the same time

 **Garnet:** normally i don’t agree with amethyst but i have to agree here

 **Garnet:** the signs are obvious even without future vision

 **Pearl:** wHAT SIGNS?

[ **Peridot** has come online ]

 **Peridot:** @Amethyst Something was broken and you didn’t immediately ask me for help? I am deeply offended.

 **Peridot:** Also. What is this “shit” and “fuck” you keep referring to?

 **Pearl:** …

 **Amethyst:** AHAHHAHAAHAAAAHAHHHHAA

 **Garnet:** good job, you’ve mentally corrupted peridot.

 **Pearl:** AMETHYST, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

 **Amethyst:** eh, thats fair

 **Amethyst:** although frankly i couldnt care less

 **Amethyst:** a swearword or two never killed anybody

 **Peridot:** So is anyone going to tell me?

 **Garnet:** amethyst no

 **Amethyst:** its the accurate noun to describe pearl

 **Garnet:** fuckerations.

 **Pearl:** AMETHYST.

 **Peridot:** So Pearl is… a “fuck”? And a “shit”?

 **Pearl:** NO

 **Amethyst:** yes

 **Pearl:** STOP TEACHING PERIDOT HOW TO SWEAR

 **Pearl:** Also, Steven won’t be happy when he reads this.

 **Amethyst:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHC1230OpOg>

[ **Amethyst** has pinned a message in the chat ]

 **Peridot:** Uh, thanks?

 **Pearl:** WHO GAVE HER ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS

 **Garnet:** steven did. he gave everyone administrator access.

 **Pearl:** This was a mistake.

 **Pearl:** A huge, fucking mistake.

 **Amethyst:** no, this is true beauty

 **Peridot:** YOU CAN USE IT AS AN ADJECTIVE?

 **Peridot:** I have to add it to my grammar logs.

 **Amethyst:** your… what?

 **Garnet:** peridot, think about what happened last time

 **Peridot:**  OH MY STARS I'M SORRY I FORGOT

 **Peridot:** GOODBYE WORLD

[ The group server has shut down unexpectedly due to information overflow. ]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy crap the support on this has exceeded my expectations so like as thanks for being here I reward you all with another chapter yay
> 
> also with the whole computer mouse accident, someone I know (and for those of you who know me, you know who I'm talking about) tried to stab one with a chopstick to fix it... it didn't work, and acted as inspiration for this chapter :')
> 
> chapterly reminder of discord link and tumblr link  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> see you all in the next chapter where I might take forever to actually write it
> 
> edit: fuck I forgot to mention btw if y'all want me to start adding pieces of plot in, just comment or smth (there will be spoilers mostly from "A Single Pale Rose", or S5E18, not so much the "Heart of the Crystal Gems" arc yet)  
> 


	4. Shooketh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been more than a week I'm sorryyyy
> 
> been busy with life
> 
> anyway new chapter bc new SU episode and btw spoilers for A Single Pale Rose up ahead just a warning
> 
> also btw longer chapter enjoy

\--  **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

[  **Garnet** has come online ]

[  **Pearl** has come online ]

[  **Amethyst** has come online ]

[  **Peridot** has come online ]

**Garnet:** what did i tell you

**Peridot:** WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS WAS ONE OF HOMEWORLD’S APPLICATIONS?

**Peridot:** Also, this was an application used only by the gems of highest authority! Including the Diamonds!

**Peridot:** How did you manage to find it?

**Pearl:** How do you know this?

**Pearl:** Wait, nevermind.

**Pearl:** ...Rose gave us all access back during the Gem War. I have no possible idea as to how she managed to get her hands on such an important relic.

**Peridot:** ...it’s not a relic, but, sure, okay.

**Amethyst:** how many videos did you try to send this time?

**Peridot:** 1067, but THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!

**Amethyst:** what were they even about

**Peridot:** Grammar.

**Amethyst:** grammar out of all things? holy shit peri

**Pearl:** Apparently, she’s been keeping them up to date ever since she arrived on Earth.

**Amethyst:** but why tho

**Amethyst:** we all speak the same language, dammit

**Amethyst:** there is literally no reason for you to have a grammar log

**Peridot:** OH MY STARS SHUT UP!

[  **Peridot** has gone offline ]

[  **Connie** has come online ]

[  **Steven** has come online ]

**Steven:** hi everyone!

**Connie:** Did the server crash again?

**Pearl:** Yes, it did. How are you two doing?

**Connie:** Great! This mouse you bought me is amazing, Pearl, thank you so much.

**Pearl:** I’m glad you like it, Connie.

**Steven:** Amethyst, doesn’t Peridot like, have another “language”?

**Steven:** you know. like how she calls feet “gravity connectors”?

**Amethyst:** ohhh youre right

**Steven:** also, I don’t know if this was due to the server crashing or not, but I found some chat called the “Diamond Authority” in my archived chats…

**Steven:** what’s that about?

**Steven:** brb

**Pearl:** FUCK

**Amethyst:** lAnGuAgE

**Pearl:** STEVEN DON’T LOOK IN THERE!

[  **Steven** has gone idle ]

**Pearl:** Shit. Where is Steven? WHERE DID HE GO?

**Garnet:** what’s wrong?

**Amethyst:** gee, p, thats a lot of swearwords, must be really bad

**Pearl:** YES IT’S REALLY BAD HELP ME FIND STEVEN

 

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Blue:** pink???...

**Yellow:** what the fuck?

**Yellow:** it must be an imposter.

**White:** Well, hello there. Long time no see.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** White what tHE HELL. you can’t just fucking leave us during whatever this is.

**Blue:** pink? are you there?

**Yellow:** Blue, Pink is gone, there is no fucking way that is Pink. stop being hysterical.

**Yellow:** so who the fuck are you? who is in Pink’s account?

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** if the homeworld servers are functioning correctly, the person in pink’s account is rose quartz…

**Yellow:** _ROSE QUARTZ?_

**Yellow:** fuck. Blue, get your ship ready.

**Yellow:** WE’RE GOING ON A FUCKING TRIP

**Blue:** right now?

**Yellow:** YES NOW, Rose managed to flee yet again and now we know she’s on earth with that hideous looking appearance. tell your pearl we’re going on an important journey now let’S FUCKING GO

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

 

\--  **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

[  **Steven** has come online ]

**Pearl:** There you are! Please tell me you didn’t go into that group chat.

**Steven:** I did.

**Steven:** WHY THE FUCK

**Pearl:** LANGUAGE

**Amethyst:** P YOU WERE LITERALLY SWEARING LIKE 3 SECONDS AGO

**Steven:** DID NO ONE TELL ME THAT MY MOTHER WAS PINK DIAMOND

**Amethyst:** YOU WHAT

**Amethyst:** WAIT WHAT THE FUCK

**Garnet:** fucking what.

[  **Garnet** has gone offline ]

**Pearl:** Uh oh.

**Amethyst:** oh boy. she never goes offline unless if she’s unfusing.

**Amethyst:** yep, she’s barely holding it together.

**Pearl:** Get in the house. Everyone. Now.

[  **Sapphire** has come online ]

[  **Ruby** has come online ]

**Sapphire:** WHY THE FUCK

**Sapphire:** I FUCKING TRUSTED HER

**Sapphire:** THIS IS NOT OKAY THE LYING BASTARD

**Ruby:** Sapphy, calm down, why don’t we just

**Ruby:** sit down and… talk?

**Sapphire:** no I’m too fucking mad

**Ruby:** look, we couldn’t have known

**Sapphire:** no, you couldn’t have known, it’s not like you have future vision

**Sapphire:** and it’s not like you know ever know what’s going on anyway

**Sapphire:** like what the fuck the other day you thought the Diamonds were coming

**Ruby:** no, that was you…

**Sapphire:** bad example whatever you know what I mean

**Sapphire:** first I couldn’t see with my future vision and now this

**Sapphire:** well I’m out

**Ruby:** Sapphire no!

[  **Sapphire** has gone offline ]

**Ruby:** fuck

**Steven:** Pearl, I am actually shook but

**Steven:** I kinda have no idea how to feel

**Steven:** I’m a matriarch? but not really because I’m male?

**Steven:** of Earth???

**Steven:** you know what we can sort that out later

**Steven:** help me explain things to Sapphire.

**Pearl:** Alright, I guess…

**Steven:** dw Ruby, everything will be just fine

**Steven:** wait for us okay?

[  **Steven** has gone idle ]

[  **Pearl** has gone idle ]

**Ruby:** k

**Ruby:** ha no

**Ruby:** I fucking failed her

**Ruby:** Amethyst can you give me a pen and paper

**Ruby:** thanks

**Ruby:** I know you’re up there playing video games

**Ruby:** wake up

**Ruby:** @Amethyst

**Ruby:** seriously wtf hello?

**Ruby:** whatever just

**Ruby:** I’m in the house

**Ruby:** whenever you find a pen and paper

**Ruby:** I’m too sad to look

**Ruby:** or to move

**Ruby:** also do you know where Greg lives

**Ruby:** or where Greg may be

**Amethyst:** well heres a pen and paper, i think you know where greg is tho

**Amethyst:** probably down by the carwash or smth

**Ruby:** k thanks

[  **Ruby** has gone offline ]

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone wants to like talk to me about the new episode hmu on my Tumblr or Discord bc I'm actually shook
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> hope you enjoyed this newest shitpost


	5. [Past] Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi I'm back bc I realized this week is Bellow Diamond week and I love Bellow Diamond
> 
> so yay gay rocks
> 
> also like this chapter takes place when Pink is only around two revolutions old (so not very old hmm)

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Pink** has come online ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** Pink what the fuck stop following me everywhere

**Pink:** no i’m bored

**Pink:** and bwoo is bwoo’ing at people again

**Yellow:** first of all don’t fucking call her that

**Yellow:** also don’t fucking say that again

**Yellow:** ...is she okay? what did her entourage do this time?

**Pink:** i dunno i couldn’t see thru all the tears

**Pink:** she seemed pretty upset and mad

**Pink:** but i’m here! what’re u up to?

**Yellow:** my colony.

**Pink:** oo can i watch

**Yellow:** even if I say no you’re going to watch anyway.

**Pink:** yep pretty much

**Yellow:** ughh. where’s @White where you need her…

**Yellow:** fuCK I DIDN’T MEAN TO MENTION HER

**Pink:** oo ur gonna b in so much troubleeee

[  **White** has come online ]

**Yellow:** I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to mention you

**White:** I was coming in here anyway.

**White:** Looks like everything is under control, hm?

**Yellow:** not really

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** ...fuck.

**Pink:** ur stuck w/ me!! yayyyy

**Yellow:** where the fuck is Blue

**Pink:** again, she’s

**Yellow:** I swear if you say it again I will fucking shatter you

**Pink:** white won’t be too happy will she

**Pink:** if u do

**Yellow:** you’re right but at least I won’t have to deal with you

**Pink:** touche

**Yellow:** ffs Pink you emerged like two revolutions ago

**Yellow:** White hasn’t even properly introduced you to everything and all you’re doing is following me around

**Pink:** well sad diamond is making everyone cry idk what’s going in there and i don’t really want to find out

**Pink:** and white is

**Pink:** as you phrased it

**Pink:** ‘fucking useless’

**Yellow:** I did not say that!

**Yellow:** also watch your mouth, you’re talking about the same Diamond that is currently in this chat and can shatter you sooner than you can say ‘sorry’.

**Pink:** wouldn’t she shatter u tho

**Pink:** ur the one who called her that

**Yellow:** I only told you because no one would believe you

**Yellow:** again you’re only two revolutions old

**Pink:** again touche

**Yellow:** so shut your mouth if you’re going to watch me

**Yellow:** I have work to do

**Pink:** one last question

**Yellow:** fine. what is it.

**Pink:** what does ‘fuck’ mean

**Yellow:** …

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** a bad word.

**Blue:** also yellow be nice

**Blue:** you said it yourself, she’s only two revolutions old

**Blue:** you don’t need to be so harsh to her

**Blue:** it’s not like she messed up one of your colonies

**Pink:** oh, so is that what happened?

**Blue:** wait what

**Blue:** you watched that?

**Pink:** part of it

**Pink:** couldn’t really see thru the tears

**Pink:** which btw what in the stars was that for

**Blue:** it’s part of my assortment of powers

**Pink:** oh yeah that reminds me

**Pink:** i learned how to summon my weapon

**Pink:** it’s a pink circle

**Pink:** look yellow

**Pink:** since ur here w/ me

**Yellow:** what the fuck is that supposed to be

**Yellow:** your weapon is a shIELD?

**Blue:** it’s about time

**Blue:** i don’t even want to talk about that time yellow tried to prove she was the strongest diamond

**Blue:** i was training and she ran right into line of fire and was poofed

**Blue:** it was funny but not so funny when white yelled at us both

**Blue:** yikes the end of that day was not fun

**Yellow:** HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THOSE WHITE THINGS SHOOT MORE WHITE THINGS

**Pink:** hah what

**Yellow:** she was holding a white thing

**Yellow:** standing in front of a target

**Yellow:** I didn’t have time to prepare for her attack

**Yellow:** in fact I had no fucking idea she was going to attack

**Blue:** i didn’t even know you were there

**Blue:** i was just trying to figure out how to aim the thing

**Blue:** apparently it just

**Blue:** aims everywhere?

**Pink:** i wanna see this

**Blue:** i think my pearl can show you what happened

**Blue:** she was there after all

**Yellow:** don’t fucking show her

**Pink:** blueeeeee

**Pink:** pleaaaaaase?

**Pink:** i rly wanna seeeeeee

**Blue:** only if you can find my private quarters

**Yellow:** wait whAT THE FUCK

**Yellow:** DON’T SHOW HER

**Pink:** challenge accepted

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Yellow:** I TRUSTED YOU

**Blue:** relax yellow

**Blue:** i’m pretty sure she won’t see it anyway

**Yellow:** WAIT SHE’S HEADING TOWARDS YOUR QUARTERS

**Yellow:** I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** …

**Blue:** yikes they’re yelling outside

**Blue:** shit my pearl is outside…

**Blue:** never mind whatever

**Blue:** WAIT WHAT THE FUCK MY ROOM

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** What in the galaxy is going on.

**White:** @everyone

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Yellow:** PINK YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT

**Yellow:** BLUE WHY THE FUCK WAS YOUR PEARL OUTSIDE

**Yellow:** hi White

**Yellow:** DID YOU TAMPER WITH THE MEMORY OR SOMETHI

**Yellow:** oh uh White nothing happened

**Pink:** stop lying

**Pink:** yellow blew up most of blue’s private quarters bc i watched her get poofed by blue

**Pink:** hey blue thank ur pearl for me later

 **Blue:** wasn't really expecting you to find my private quarters but okay

 **Blue:** never mind half of my 'private quarters' doesn't even exist anymore

 **Blue:**  good job on finding whatever this is

**White:** Oh.

**White:** Yellow, starlight, don’t worry. There’s only a copy of that memory in every computer we’ve made.

**White:** Also, Yellow, I expect you to clean up the mess you made.

**Yellow:** wait what

**Yellow:** how the fuck did you get your hands on that memory

**Yellow:** also sorry Blue about your room

**Yellow:** I can be your pearl for a bit?

**Yellow:** actually what do you want

**Blue:** don’t worry about it yellow

**Blue:** but i am going to get you back for this

**Blue:** do you want to like do something together while the peridots fix this

**White:** Get a room, you two.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** WE ARE IN A ROOM FYI

**Yellow:** fuck she left

**Blue:** calm down yellow

**Blue:** it’ll be fine

**Blue:** you know that white couldn’t care less about our private quarters

**Blue:** in fact she didn’t even want us to have them

**Blue:** because she thought it was a waste of space, but you know her ‘private quarters’ are in her ship

**Blue:** that thing is huge

**Yellow:** she’s still totally going to make me pay for this

**Blue:** well, that’s her

**Blue:** i know for sure that i’ll eventually get you back for this

**Blue:** for the time being i guess i’ll stay in your room

**Blue:** i’ll be there in a few so i can blow it up with my 'white things'

[  **Blue** has gone offline ]

**Pink:** oooooooooooo yellow’s rly in trouble this time

**Yellow:** oh fuck off

**Pink:** y tho

**Yellow:** you know fully well this all was your fault.

[  **Yellow** has gone offline ]

**Pink:** nah, i don’t know that

**Pink:** but i do know that this shield is amazing at reflecting attacks

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight before y'all yell at me for using revolutions instead of years, I think Garnet only uses years bc she stays on Earth and Homeworld is nowhere near Earth
> 
> also thank you all for the astounding support so far! really motivates me to continue this fic :) also it's partially the reason why I decided to write another chapter for you lovely people (psst, there might be another one tomorrow)
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> also notice for future whenever the chapter title starts with [past] you can assume it's a Diamond Authority chat until we get more lore from our talented Crewniverse


	6. [Past] Disasters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter omigosh

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Blue** has come online ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Blue:** yellow why isn’t my room fixed yet

**Blue:** where are your peridots

**Yellow:** Blue I fucking blew up your room.

**Yellow:** it’s huge

**Yellow:** the Peridots aren’t going to fix it in a revolution.

**Blue:** it’s been three revolutions yellow

**Blue:** three.

**Yellow:** oh my stars what the fuck do you want from me

**Blue:** i thought of something

**Blue:** you have to take care of pink

**Blue:** forever

**Blue:** until the end of time

**Yellow:** you know very well that isn’t fair, Blue

**Yellow:** and you know very well what my answer is.

**Blue:** yes because you love me.

**Yellow:** no because I hate both you and Pink.

**Blue:** fine, you are now forbidden from the mess you made even when it becomes not so much a mess

**Yellow:** wait Blue no

**Yellow:** I’m sorry fine I will

**Yellow:** but I still hate Pink

**Yellow:** and I don’t want to have to deal with her

**Blue:** i know you don’t

**Blue:** but you broke my room and this is payback

**Blue:** promise you will and i’ll forget about the room incident

**Yellow:** fine I promise

**Blue:** good

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Get a room, you two.

**Yellow:** AGAIN, FYI

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** WE ARE IN A ROOM

**Blue:** no we’re not

**Yellow:** shut up

**Yellow:** she doesn’t have to know that

**Yellow:** ugh.

**Yellow:** I hate when she does that.

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** does what

**Blue:** i find it quite funny when you get frustrated

**Pink:** what, like every moment of her existence?

**Blue:** crap you’re right

**Blue:** even though that’s not what i was going for

**Yellow:** you two should never be allowed together

**Yellow:** you’re a disaster just waiting to happen

**Blue:** pretty sure pink alone is a disaster waiting to happen

**Yellow:** true

**Yellow:** but when you two are together it’s worse

**Blue:** actually i’m pretty sure it’s just you and pink

**Blue:** i mean let’s be fair the last time you two were allowed together you blew up my room

**Yellow:** thAT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT

**Pink:** see there it is again

**Pink:** also i am not a disaster waiting to happen

**Yellow:** right, I forgot, you ARE a disaster

**Pink:** i should be offended but i agree

**Blue:** i’m pretty sure the diamond authority is just one big disaster

**Blue:** except white

**Blue:** white is actually scary

**Yellow:** I like to think that I’m scary to my subjects.

**Pink:** they probably won’t think that once i show them that memory of you getting poofed

**Yellow:** THAT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT TOO

**Yellow:** also you are forbidden from eVER showing that memory to anyone outside the Diamond Authority

**Pink:** too late

**Yellow:** who tHE FUCK DID YOU SHOW

**Pink:** haha no one

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Yellow:** COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWERP

**Blue:** yellow calm down

**Blue:** let her have some fun

**Blue:** besides she doesn’t know about the thousands of other embarrassing memories i have of you in my pearl

**Blue:** i watch them a lot

**Yellow:** well I forbid you to show any of them to Pink

**Blue:** well she is a diamond so that means hiding my pearl from her for all eternity

**Blue:** which won’t happen because pink is frighteningly good at finding things

**Blue:** oh that reminds me

**Blue:** she found your private quarters

**Blue:** i was waiting for you in your room and she walked in holding a peridot gem

**Blue:** said something about her shield accidentally slicing the physical form of the peridot in half?

**Blue:** honestly i was too busy laughing to pay attention

**Yellow:** so that’s what happened to that Peridot? she was forbidden to tell me.

**Yellow:** that shield is interesting and I’m a little frightened.

**Yellow:** that Peridot was the one overseeing the reconstruction of your room

**Yellow:** Pink is trying to mess me up isn’t she?

**Yellow:** she technically blew up your room you know

**Blue:** pretty sure you did, her shield can’t blow up a room

**Yellow:** bet

**Blue:** pink is so sweet

**Blue:** even if her shield could blow up a room she’d never do that

**Blue:** the only person who would is you

**Yellow:** what the fuck you’re taking her side now?

**Blue:** it’s not like she blew up my room

**Yellow:** BUT SHE DID

**Blue:** then why was the light yellow

**Yellow:** she fucking did something with that shield of hers

**Blue:** sure

**Yellow:** I’m so done

**Yellow:** you are hereby forbidden from my room

**Blue:** you know very well you can’t keep up with that ban

**Yellow:** bet

**Blue:** bet

**Yellow:** wait no Blue have mercy

**Blue:** see

**Blue:** you gave up in like five seconds

**Blue:** i win

**Yellow:** just believe me

**Blue:** i trust my own eyes more than yours

**Yellow:** you’re being biased

**Blue:** everyone’s biased

**Blue:** besides you hate pink, so you’re probably being more biased than me

**Yellow:** touche

**Yellow:** but you know I don’t really hate her

**Yellow:** she’s just annoying and a brat

**Blue:** sure, yellow

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** look i’m yellow and i like saying false things to impress blue

**Pink:** also to impress blue i tried to show i could withstand her attack but i failed

**Pink:** i also tried to impress blue by trying to reason with white but instead i called her ‘fucking useless’ and got kicked out of her ship

**Pink:** but i love blue so much i’d do all of these things a few thousand times just to prove a point

**Yellow:** wHAT THE FUCK WHERE’D YOU GET THAT SHIP MEMORY

**Blue:** what did i tell you, yellow

**Blue:** frighteningly good at finding things

**Yellow:** WHERE IS MY PEARL

**Yellow:** HOW DID YOU FIND HER AND WHERE ON HOMEWORLD IS SHE RIGHT NOW

**Pink:** you’ll never find her

**Yellow:** COME HERE WITH MY PEARL THIS INSTANT

**Pink:** nah

**Pink:** you’ll never catch me alive

**Yellow:** BET

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Yellow:** I WILL FIND AND SHATTER YOU

**Blue:** yellow no think about what happened last time

**Blue:** yellow calm down

**Blue:** no yellow

**Blue:** stop typing

**Yellow:** I DON’T CARE I WILL GO FIND HER AND FUCKING SHATTER HER

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** @White pretty sure you’re gonna need to help me break them up again

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** ...Again?

**White:** Hmph.

**White:** Very well.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might actually be able to post a new chapter each day of this week in celebration of Bellow Diamond week :D
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga


	7. [Past] The Uses of a Shield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to screw the themes of Bellow Diamond week because I'm too lazy to make one-shots
> 
> also early-ish upload again?
> 
> chapter partially inspired by the first episode of Steven Universe where Steven thinks eating Cookie Cats would help him summon his shield

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **White** has come online ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**White:** Explanation. Now.

**Blue:** yikes

**Pink:** what

**Yellow:** what the fuck Pink do you want her to shatter you or not

**White:** I was talking to you, Yellow.

**Yellow:** oh shit

**Yellow:** uh

**Yellow:** Pink stole my pearl

**White:** And you thought it was a good idea to destroy a good chunk of Homeworld and my ship?

**Yellow:** that was all Pink’s fault

**Pink:** how is it my fault

**Yellow:** yOU TOLD ME YOU WERE IN WHITE’S SHIP

**Pink:** no i didn’t

**Pink:** ur being delusional

**Yellow:** EXCUSE ME?

**Yellow:** she keeps doing a thing with that shield of hers!

**Yellow:** I don’t know how but it diverts my weapon to insane places!

**Pink:** or u just have horrible aim?

**Pink:** or u hit white’s ship on purpose

**Pink:** beats me

**Pink:** no wonder why u have to try to win over bwoo’s heart

**Yellow:** first of all my relationship with Blue is my business not yours

**Yellow:** also what the fuck you know that was your fault

**Pink:** all i know is you blew up a good part of homeworld and white is furious

**White:** That I am.

**Yellow:** I’m very sorry for this mess

**White:** You should be.

**Yellow:** but Pink had a part in this

**Yellow:** maybe if she hadn’t stolen my pearl none of this would have happened

**Pink:** but ur pearl was outside ur room

**Pink:** how could i have stolen anything

**Yellow:** it was?!?

**Blue:** well when i looked for it, your pearl was indeed outside your room

**Blue:** waiting

**Yellow:** what the actual fuck

**White:** Whatever the reason, I will not be particularly happy if it happens again.

**White:** _No matter who causes it._

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** well that was interesting

**Yellow:** PINK WHAT THE FUCK I KNOW IT WAS YOU

**Pink:** what did i do this time

**Yellow:** what do you mean ‘this time’? we’re still talking about last time!

**Pink:** there was no ‘last time’

**Pink:** i literally haven’t done anything wrong

**Yellow:** it’s your fucking shield

**Yellow:** I see you summon it every time I raise a hand to aim at you and I end up blowing everything up except you because that stupid shield of yours

**Blue:** i find it pretty funny when you two start fighting over something i said or did

**Pink:** my pleasure m’diamond

**Blue:** oh pink you’re so adorable

**Pink:** i’m not adorable but ok

**Yellow:** am I literally the only person who can see how Pink is a big twerp?

**Blue:** yellow don’t be mean

**Blue:** besides, she’s small

**Pink:** what did we say about calling me small

**Blue:** pink please don’t

**Blue:** it was a mistake

**Pink:** ...fine

**Yellow:** what? what’s wrong with calling Pink ‘small’?

**Yellow:** it’s true

**Yellow:** pink you’re small

**Pink:** hmph fine

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** you really fucked up this time

**Yellow:** whoa there

**Yellow:** is it really THAT bad?

**Blue:** if stealing your pearl, ordering your gems to do whatever they want for the next five revolutions, and ruining your room with her shields isn’t bad, i have no idea what is.

**Yellow:** wait whaT THE FUCK

**Yellow:** SHIT I CAN’T CALL WHITE THIS TIME

**Blue:** maybe if you just solve this issue peacefully

**Blue:** rather than trying to attack the moment you see her

**Blue:** you won’t blow up half of homeworld

**Blue:** and white won’t have to find out

**Yellow:** WHITE NEEDS TO FIND OUT

**Blue:** white likes pink

**Blue:** you’re literally the only one who doesn’t like pink

**Yellow:** she annoys the fuck out of me

**Yellow:** followed me for the first few eons

**Blue:** you know very well that’s not true

**Blue:** she hasn’t even been around for an eon

**Yellow:** ever heard of fucking exaggerations?

**Blue:** never heard of ‘fucking exaggerations’, how does that work?

**Blue:** pretty sure exaggerations aren’t a real thing i can fuck

**Blue:** nor would i really want to

**Yellow:** EW WHAT THE FUCK BLUE

**Yellow:** DON’T TAKE THAT SO LITERALLY

**Blue:** why don’t you just

**Blue:** go stop pink

**Blue:** i’ll meet you in your room later

**Yellow:** fine. only because you asked me to.

**Blue:** oh, and yellow?

**Blue:** i think you’re sweeter than pink.

**Blue:** a lot cuter, too

**Blue:** especially when you get flustered

**Blue:** you’re totally flustered right now aren’t you

**Yellow:** SHUT UP

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Blue:** thanks pink

**Blue:** can you just help make sure that no one tries to come into yellow’s room?

**Blue:** i don’t want too many gems seeing the mess you made

**Blue:** don’t worry i’ll tell white that yellow got angry at her entourage again or something

**Pink:** sure

**Pink:** this is absolutely amazing

**Pink:** i can’t wait to see the look on her face when she finds out i didn’t do anything except ruin her room, which by then it’ll be too late

**Pink:** she’ll totally make the face she makes every time someone insults her

**Blue:** haha she probably will

**Pink:** actually i did do something else

**Pink:** i may have asked yellow pearl to send me all of yellow diamond’s embarrassing memories

**Pink:** i’ll only send all of them to all of the computers ever made in homeworld

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** oh well, nothing i can do about that now

**Blue:** only the galaxy will perish if yellow finds out

[  **Blue** has gone offline ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look I'm actually doing it daily for this week
> 
> also thanks again for the amazing support on these
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> cy'all in the comments section or tomorrow


	8. [Past] Rooms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> laaaaaaaaaaaaaate
> 
> bc
> 
> I was lazy and didn't want to write?
> 
> also I swear the quality of these chatfics get worse and worse because I start rushing them because I have so many ideas
> 
> one of these days I'm going to run out of ideas and I'm going to be sad

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Blue** has come online ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Yellow:** PINK WHAT THE FUCK

**Pink:** ur welcome

**Yellow:** I am not thanking you!

**Pink:** u should be

**Pink:** and i’m saying ur welcome bc i hear your silent gratefulness

**Yellow:** I AM NOT GRATEFUL!

**Blue:** yellow please

**Blue:** you’re overreacting

**Yellow:** do you even know what she did

**Blue:** no

**Blue:** but you always overreact so

**Yellow:** PINK DELETE THIS MEMORIES THIS INSTANT.

**Pink:** i only sent them to ur computer

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Why the fuck

**Yellow:** she swore she swore she swore

**Pink:** oh stars we’re all screwed

**Blue:** this is bad everyone run

**White:** Are these memories of Yellow in my personal computer?

**Pink:** idk

**Yellow:** Pink put them there.

**Pink:** no i didn’t

**Blue:** you two fight it out i’m scared

**Blue:** and scarred

[  **Blue** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** bLUE WHAT THE FUCK WAIT UP

**White:** No. You stay put.

**White:** That means you too, Pink.

**Pink:** eek

**Pink:** yes m’diamond i’m here

**White:** I don’t care which one of you did it. Both of you, go to your fucking rooms and think about what you’ve done until I say you can come out.

**Yellow:** ...hmph

**Pink:** but

**Yellow:** Pink shut up and go to your room

**Yellow:** do you want to be shattered.

**Pink:** fine, i’m sorry

**White:** Good. That will be all.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** thanks a lot

**Pink:** oh shut up it won’t be that bad

**Pink:** i bet blue’s gonna go visit

**Pink:** then you two can really do the do

**Yellow:** what I do with Blue is none of your fucking business.

**Pink:** pun intended?

**Yellow:** I am

**Yellow:** this close

**Yellow:** to losing my shit and blasting your room into pieces.

**Yellow:** now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to my quarters. I suggest you do the same if you don’t want to be shattered by White

**Pink:** fair enough

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** poor yellow

**Blue:** pink kinda deserved it but what she did was still adorable

**Blue:** @Yellow do you require my accompaniment?

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** yes please.

**Blue:** on my way.

**Blue:** in the meantime you have my permission to scold pink

**Blue:** only this once because this time was legitimately her fault

**Yellow:** excuse me

**Yellow:** everyone knows very well those other times were her fault.

**Blue:** only you think that, starlight

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** rly

**Pink:** white couldn’t care less about what we do

**Pink:** why does she suddenly care

**Yellow:** she’s just making sure no harm comes to you

**Yellow:** which is just stupid in my opinion.

**Pink:** no it’s bc i’m more precious than you

**Pink:** even to bwoo

**Yellow:** you take that back right now or I’ll have someone shatter you.

**Pink:** fine fine i take it back

**Pink:** only bc i know u’d have bwoo do it

**Pink:** and she’d do it bc it’s u

**Yellow:** stop calling her that.

**Yellow:** or, again, I will have someone shatter you.

**Pink:** doubt bwoo would shatter me over this so nah

**Pink:** she finds it cute

**Yellow:** and I find it absolutely obnoxious.

**Pink:** exactly

**Pink:** that’s why i call her that

**Yellow:** …

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Yellow:** thank the stars you’re here.

**Blue:** no, thank me.

**Yellow:** are you a star now?

**Blue:** if i am i know i’m yours anyway

**Pink:** what

**Yellow:** Pink leave this is not your place anymore

**Yellow:** make way for blue

**Pink:** excuse me i am a diamond too

**Yellow:** white always asks us to get a room

**Yellow:** well this is our room now

**Yellow:** our chat room.

**Pink:** that was the worst pun i’ve ever heard

**Blue:** her first, worst, and only pun

**Pink:** true

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Yellow:** was it really that bad

**Blue:** no offense yellow but that was pretty bad

**Yellow:** really?...

**Blue:** i’m kidding, it was pretty clever

**Blue:** especially for your first time, which i think it is

**Blue:** and extremely adorable

**Blue:** look you’re blushing again

**Blue:** proving my point in every way possible

**Yellow:** sHUT UP I AM NOT ADORABLE AND I AM NOT BLUSHING

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Get a room, you two.

**White:** A physical room.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** AGAIN, WE ARE IN A FUCKING ROOM

**Blue:** for real this time.

**Yellow:** they both left

**Yellow:** you really like to watch me suffer don’t you

**Blue:** yes, and no

**Yellow:** what the fuck does that mean

**Blue:** i find your reactions cute

**Blue:** but i don’t like to see you suffer

**Blue:** so, perhaps, a little treat?

**Yellow:** yes if it’s what I think it is

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Again.

**White:** Get. A. Room.

**Yellow:** AGAIN

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** WE. ARE. IN. A. FUCKING. ROOM.

**Blue:** see there it is

**Blue:** you’re so adorable when you get frustrated like that

**Yellow:** Blue I love you but please shut up for a second

**Blue:** why don’t we go to private messages or talk face to face.

**Blue:** so white doesn’t frustrate you even more.

**Yellow:** good idea

[  **Yellow** has gone offline ]

[  **Blue** has gone offline ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** asking white to say get a room every time those two start romanticizing about each other is the best idea i’ve ever had

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa y'all this week has been a blast
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> thanks for the ongoing support in the comments section! I really look forward to reading your feedback and so far it's been amazing :')


	9. [Past] Astronomy Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another late upload rip

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Blue** has come online ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** hello

**Blue:** hey yellow!

**Yellow:** Pink started begging me for a colony of her own

**Blue:** really? she hasn’t asked me anything

**Yellow:** odd.

**Yellow:** well, I need to go check on one of my colonies

**Yellow:** somehow one of the Peridots “forgot” the colonization plan.

**Yellow:** may have to shatter her for her insolence.

**Blue:** alright, starlight

**Blue:** i’ll come to your room later if that’s okay

**Yellow:** you know very well that my room is always open to you.

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** hey bwooooooo

**Blue:** hello there pink!

**Pink:** can i have a colony of my own

**Blue:** not yet, pink

**Blue:** you aren’t experienced enough, unfortunately

**Pink:** that’s exactly what yellow said

**Pink:** i’m a diamond too how am i not experienced enough

**Blue:** for one, you still think planets and stars are the same thing

**Pink:** which they are

**Blue:** no they’re not

**Pink:** that’s exactly what white said

**Blue:** well white’s right

**Blue:** stars are not the same thing as planets

**Blue:** stars are celestial bodies that have a core in which nuclear fusion reactions take place in the form of gamma rays

**Pink:** bwoo pls i’m not here for a lecture

**Pink:** and besides why do we say ‘oh stars’ rather than ‘oh planets’

**Blue:** we can colonize planets

**Blue:** however, stars are superior to us

**Pink:** if stars and planets are the same thing then can’t stars be colonized too

**Blue:** pink you are adorable but right now this is not funny

**Pink:** no i’m not kidding, planets and stars are both celestial bodies

**Blue:** stars are much bigger and hotter than planets

**Pink:** but they’re still floating things in space

**Pink:** therefore they are the same

**Blue:** why don’t we put you on a star and a planet

**Blue:** and show you the difference firsthand

**Pink:** sure

**Blue:** alright come to my quarters

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** @White has pink been skipping lessons with you again

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** She has.

**Blue:** well she’s on her way to my quarters

**Blue:** she doesn’t believe that stars and planets are different

**White:** I swear, I’ve been trying to teach her that they are different for the past seven revolutions.

**White:** Now she skips lessons because she refuses to learn the correct things.

**White:** Needless to say, she will be in quite some trouble.

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** i trusted u bwoo

**Blue:** uh oh

**White:** Pink, come to my ship this instant.

**Pink:** but why

**White:** Do you think this is a fucking joke?

**Pink:** eep

**Pink:** i’m sorry i’m coming

**Pink:** pls don’t shatter me

**White:** Good.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** @Blue I’m back.

**Yellow:** what happened?

**Blue:** white swore again

**Blue:** i’m traumatized

**Yellow:** there, there

**Yellow:** it’ll be okay starlight.

**Yellow:** do you need some company?

**Blue:** very much so

**Blue:** i think my gem is cracking

**Yellow:** stop being hysterical

**Yellow:** but really, hang in there

**Yellow:** I’ll be there shortly.

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Get a

**White:** Fucking

**White:** Room

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** ...was that supposed to be a pun

**Blue:** yellow stop being so dirty minded

**Yellow:** sorry sorry

**Blue:** and come to my room already so i can show you how much i need you

**Yellow:** I like the sound of that.

**Blue:** then hurry up you twerp

**Yellow:** fine, maybe I won’t come because you said that

**Blue:** fine, maybe you won’t get what you want

**Yellow:** fuck you right

**Yellow:** on my way

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** i love how this chatroom always goes my way

**Blue:** it’s quite entertaining

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** BWOO HELP

**Pink:** THERE’S A GIANT WHITE THING CHASING ME

**Pink:** IT’S SO BIG AND BRIGHT HELP

**Blue:** pink that’s white diamond

**Pink:** IT PROBABLY IS BUT I DON’T WANT TO DIE

**Pink:** HELP ME ESCAPE

**Blue:** i would but that would mean she’d shatter both of us

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Pink.

**White:** Come back here.

**White:** If you value your gem, stop running.

**Pink:** IF I VALUE MY GEM I’LL KEEP RUNNING

**Pink:** I JUST NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU FIRST

**Pink:** WHITE LOOK A PINK THING

**White:** You’re not going to be able to distract me with that miniscule thing.

**White:** OW

**Blue:** WHAT THE FUCK MY ROOM

**Pink:** I HIT HER IN THE EYES

**Pink:** SORRY ABOUT UR ROOM BWOO

**Pink:** SACRIFICES MUST BE MADE

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** PINK STOP RUNNING

**Blue:** oh forget it i’m never going to stop her

**Blue:** white are you okay

**White:** Pink and I are both okay.

**White:** It seems as though your room is not.

**White:** And shortly, Pink will not be, either.

**Blue:** well no shit you crashed into my room

**Blue:** and it was just fixed, too

**White:** I apologize for my ignorance.

**White:** However, as of right now, I have a very small pink annoyance to catch.

**White:** I will try to return as soon as possible to help you repair your room again.

**Blue:** okay thanks

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** well with white promising to help fix my room

**Blue:** it’s safe to say this chatroom does always go my way

**Blue:** oh wait yellow doesn’t know what’s going on…

**Blue:** shit.

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well I managed to finish this chapter before passing out
> 
> but hey at least Yellow didn't suffer too much during this chapter
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> also thanks again to everyone for the phenomenal support this week!!


	10. [Past] Diamond Wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another late chapter aaaaa
> 
> but hi better late than never

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** why am I standing in what looks like the middle of a fucking warzone.

**Yellow:** also @Blue what happened to your room.

**Yellow:** actually what the fuck happened to the Diamond Authority Wing as a whole.

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** pink and white happened

**Yellow:** aha! that confirms my suspicions

**Blue:** no not in that way

**Blue:** yellow why do you have such a dirty mind

**Yellow:** forget what I said.

**Yellow:** so what did they do

**Blue:** pink thought it was a good idea to skip white’s lessons

**Blue:** when white found her instead of accepting defeat pink fled

**Blue:** pink proceeded to throw a shield at white’s eyes, resulting in white crashing into my room and potentially other things in the Wing

**Blue:** needless to say, it was a mess.

**Yellow:** I never thought I’d see White and Pink against each other but lucky me.

**Yellow:** never considered that it would be so destructive.

**Blue:** you literally blew up my room with only one of your lasers

**Blue:** and you didn’t think it’d be this destructive?

**Yellow:** point taken.

**Yellow:** but White’s a lot more careful than most of us.

**Yellow:** do you finally see what I mean that it’s Pink’s fault

**Blue:** maybe

**Blue:** but i still think it was due to your hotheadedness

**Yellow:** …

**Blue:** i mean, even if pink someone managed to divert your aim

**Blue:** if you weren’t so hotheaded you probably wouldn’t have shot at her

**Yellow:** maybe if she hadn’t been after all of my embarrassing moments, I wouldn’t have aimed at her in the first place

**Blue:** fair enough

**Yellow:** anyway, where are those two right now

**Blue:** no idea

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** I cannot believe I am saying this.

**White:** But I may need to set some rules for us.

**Yellow:** us as in the Diamond Authority?

**White:** Unfortunately, yes.

**Blue:** i’ll be honest, i’m surprised we didn’t do this earlier

**Blue:** it was kind of fun watching this all happen

**White:** I did too, until I started having to clean up after everyone’s mess.

**White:** And then Pink pulled me into your shenanigans.

**White:** Speaking of which, Pink somehow managed to get away.

**Blue:** oh well

**Blue:** she’s currently in my room messing with my computer

**Blue:** in other words she’s trying to figure out the passcode and it isn’t working

**White:** Thank you, Blue. I will be there shortly.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** really? she figured my private one out in two tries

**Blue:** that’s because your passcode is four blues

**Blue:** and you gloat way too often how you’re in a romantic relationship with me

**Blue:** to us, anyway

**Yellow:** fair enough.

**Yellow:** I still think that different colony computers should have different passwords.

**Blue:** what’s wrong with the one now

**Blue:** not enough yellows and blues?

**Yellow:** ...not what I was going to say, but that too.

**Yellow:** the thing is it’s too easy to mess around with the plans.

**Blue:** only authorized gems are allowed in there

**Blue:** so, literally, the four of us here

**Yellow:** anybody could enter.

**Blue:** i think you’re forgetting the fact that you have thousands of gems that are going to be working at the colony

**Blue:** it’s highly unlikely any gem would even get to the computer in the first place

**Blue:** and even if they did they have the threat of being shattered by a giant terrifying hot headed yellow thing 

**Yellow:** oh, so I’m a thing now.

**Blue:** well we all are aren’t we

**Yellow:** that’s not what I meant but okay.

**Blue:** wait a minute

**Blue:** oh no

**Blue:** she actually figured out my passcode

**Blue:** well shit

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** hewwo

**Blue:** it’s me the ultimate crier

**Blue:** today i’m going to show u how to make everyone bawl out their eyes in three simple steps

**Yellow:** pINK GET OFF BLUE’S ACCOUNT

**Blue:** step one, make lgtwow439p9PAQHR9PPgerorgeojwi

**Yellow:** DON’T WORRY BLUE I’M COMING

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Finally.

**White:** I caught you, starlight.

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Pink:** pls have mercy

**White:** Maybe I would if you hadn’t thrown a shield in my eyes, effectively forcing me to destroy most of the Diamond Authority Wing.

**Pink:** i’m sorry i’ll do anything

**White:** Anything?

**White:** Very well.

**White:** After you help the Peridots fix the wing, stay in your room for the next five revolutions while repeatedly writing in this chatroom ‘White Diamond is the best diamond’ even when you’re having lessons with me, in which you must keep typing under all circumstances.

**Yellow:** no Blue is the best diamond

**Pink:** no u

**Blue:** i agree

**Pink:** wait no i take that back

**White:** Pink, if you do not accept, I have no choice but to keep you in your room for the next 50 revolutions.

**White:** Lessons will still be given by me, of course.

**White:** Also, Blue and Yellow. Get a room.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** I’m so done.

**Pink:** no me

**Pink:** i can’t say no can i

**Yellow:** no you can’t.

**Yellow:** even if you’re willing to stay in your room for the next 50 revolutions, White won’t be particularly happy.

**Pink:** well

**Pink:** this won’t be a fun five revolutions for me

**Yellow:** it won’t be for us either

**Pink:** for once i agree, yellow

**Pink:** i don’t really want to type five revolutions worth of lies

**Yellow:** no, you are

**Blue:** no, you

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Me being the best diamond is not a lie. It is a fact.

**Yellow:** no it’s not it’s a blatant lie and you know it.

**Yellow:** if you have to force us to say it then it’s pretty clear that it’s not true.

**Pink:** whoa i agree again yellow

**Pink:** i most definitely am not willing to type this

**Pink:** bc i’m clearly the best diamond

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**White:** Whatever happens next to Pink, she asked for it.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** should we stop them?

**Yellow:** no.

**Yellow:**  I'm too lazy to.

 **Yellow:** besides.

**Yellow:** the dispute against Pink and White must continue.

**Blue:** you’re right

**Yellow:** let’s go watch them fight.

**Blue:** sure, starlight

**Blue:** let the pink and white wars begin

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chatfic must live on
> 
> I swear this thing dipped in quality tho it kinda sucks now
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> well Bellow Diamond ends tomorrow??? so ye weekly uploads will most likely end ;-;


	11. Too Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been dead and I'm really sorry
> 
> also I hate writer's block
> 
> also I stopped being funny, I apologize
> 
> also as y'all can clearly see, I will be having a really irregular update schedule since school has begun .-. junior year with two AP and two honors classes, should be fun, right?.... dear god I am going to die.

\--  **Blue Diamond, Yellow Diamond** \--

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** rose quartz fucking deceived us

**Yellow:** it’s going to be okay, Blue

**Yellow:** we’re on our way to get our revenge.

**Blue:** yes but that’s not what i really want at this point

**Yellow:** Blue for fuck’s sake you can’t unshatter someone.

**Blue:** i wonder if we could find her shards and piece her back together?

**Yellow:** we never even found all of her shards.

**Blue:** we can make do

**Yellow:** stARS

**Yellow:** BLUE

**Yellow:** WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT SHE’S NOT COMING BACK

**Blue:** well fuck you

**Yellow:** NO, FUCK YOU.

**Yellow:** I’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

**Yellow:** I EVEN STARTED USING HER UNIT OF TIME AND HER SILLY EARTH TERMS FOR YOU.

**Yellow:** WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

**Blue:** for you to stop being an… “asshole”.

**Yellow:** no can do, I was made this way.

**Yellow:** according to you and Pink.

**Blue:** pink made up the term. and that was back then.

**Blue:** i swear, ever since she was… shattered, you’ve been more and more unbearable.

**Yellow:** well, gee, thanks, I guess.

**Yellow:** I could say the same to you.

**Yellow:** no matter what I do to comfort you, you just keep blinding everyone with your tears.

**Blue:** i do not.

**Yellow:** even Pink said it back when she was…

**Yellow:** well.

**Yellow:** in her words, “how to make everyone bawl out their eyes in three simple steps”.

**Blue:** did she say that?

**Yellow:** it was that time she went into your account?

**Blue:** oh, that was a fun time.

**Blue:** oh stars, i miss her so much…

**Yellow:** I’m so sorry, Blue.

**Yellow:** if I had never given her a colony, this wouldn’t have happened.

**Yellow:** if I had been a little more careful!

**Yellow:** I miss her too, Blue.

**Blue:** okay, you big weirdo

**Yellow:** too soon, Blue.

**Blue:** that was her favorite insult.

**Yellow:** I know, and that’s why it’s too soon.

**Blue:** you’re always the one telling me she was shattered 5000 years ago

**Blue:** you’ve shit on my feelings for the past 5000 years, i think it’s time that i let you feel some of that pain

**Yellow:** I’ve felt the pain, I just don’t choose to cry over it every damn day.

**Blue:** you unemotional shit

**Yellow:** you emotional shit.

**Blue:** i can’t lose you too, you know

**Yellow:** I know that.

**Blue:** yellow i swear

**Yellow:** I can’t lose you, either.

**Blue:** oh

**Blue:** i didn’t think you’d become all emotional

**Blue:** but honestly i think i like the feisty version of you better

**Yellow:** make up your mind, you sack of feelings.

**Blue:** that is probably the weakest insult i’ve seen you come up with

**Blue:** and that’s saying a lot

**Blue:** back to the original topic, i want rose quartz shattered.

**Blue:** now.

**Yellow:** me too.

**Yellow:** and we have to do it soon, anyway, since we can’t let White know. Ever.

**Yellow:** or there will be no Diamond Authority by the time this shitfest ends.

**Blue:** i’m surprised she hasn’t even noticed pink is gone.

**Yellow:** that’s because you’ve been busy crying.

**Yellow:** White most definitely knows.

**Yellow:** we need to get rid of this abomination.

**Blue:** so what do you propose?

**Yellow:** why do I always have to do it?

**Blue:** well white is currently in homeworld, as we said, looking like she’ll shatter all of homeworld as usual

**Blue:** and my eyes no longer work since i’ve cried too much

**Blue:** so let’s get going, my diamond

**Yellow:** ooh, I like the sound of that.

**Blue:** that is a one-time deal and you’ve ruined it.

**Yellow:** well fuck.

**Yellow:** anyway, let’s start.

**Yellow:** I propose we go in with our ships, alone, and try to summon the Cluster if we have to by smashing the ground, then destroying Earth and every traitor on that stupid planet.

**Blue:** sure let’s go do it

**Blue:** to earth!

**Yellow:** waIT BLUE I WAS JUST KIDDING   
  


\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** There seemed to be a loud crash.

**White:** What is the problem?

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Yellow:** should I tell her or will you?

**Blue:** i have a better idea, neither of us tell her

**Yellow:** Blue I love you but that is the worst idea you’ve ever suggested.

**Blue:** no it’s not

**Blue:** just run

**Yellow:** you literally just tried to.

**Blue:** no i didn’t

**White:** Someone tell me or I will shatter one of you.

**Yellow:** I just did.

**Yellow:** Blue tried to run.

**Yellow:** as you can see from the aftermath, she is literally incapable of running.

**Blue:** alright fine you try running with a dress on

**White:** That’s all I need to know.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** you chose that form.

**Yellow:** I personally chose my form so my legs are free from the restraints of my form.

**Blue:** no you just chose your form to look like more of an ‘asshole’

**Blue:** as pink would phrase it

**Yellow:** exCUSE ME?

**Blue:** i mean you’re cute

**Yellow:** GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE

**Yellow:** …

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** I left for less than five seconds and I hear another crash.

**White:** Someone start explaining or I will start shattering.

**Yellow:** Blue can’t run.

**Yellow:** she tried to do it again.

**Blue:** i wouldn’t have tried to if it weren’t for the fact that yellow was coming at me with full speed.

**Yellow:** you called me an ‘asshole’.

**Yellow:** or that’s how Pink would have phrased it, according to you.

**White:** Get a room.

**White:** Or that’s how Pink would have phrased it, according to myself.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** that’s still a fucking thing?

**Blue:** guess so.

**Blue:** can you carry me to my ship?

**Yellow:** fuck off.

**Yellow:** ...fine, I will.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goddamn thanks to those of you who commented while I was dead, and also to those of you who left kudos and subscribed and stuff, all of you keep me going even though I died for over a month haha
> 
> also I swear my new headcanon is that Blue can't run in that big fucking dress of hers or she'll trip but it's funny anyway
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga


	12. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god look it's a rare potato

\-- **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

[ **Sapphire** has entered the chat ]

[ **Pearl** has entered the chat ]

[ **Steven** has entered the chat ]

 **Sapphire:** I know I am supposed to be the calm one. BUT WHY THE FUCK WERE WE DECEIVED FOR SO LONG??@?!?

 **Pearl:** I’m sorry, Sapphire, I really am. You deserve to know the truth.

 **Sapphire:** Tell me something I don’t know. OTHER THAN THAT ROSE WAS PINK DIAMOND.

 **Pearl:** There are a lot of things you don’t know.

 **Sapphire:** I KNOW THAT!!

 **Pearl:** No, that’s not what I… never mind. Just let me explain it from the top.

 **Sapphire:** Oh, fantastic. What’s next? You were White Pearl?

 **Pearl:** …

 **Pearl:** LET’S GET ON WITH IT SHALL WE.

 **Sapphire:** Wait, were you actually White Pearl?

 **Steven:** Sapphire… just… let her explain, please.

 **Sapphire:** Hmph.

 **Pearl:** Alright.

 **Pearl:** A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

 **Steven:** pretty sure Star Wars doesn’t apply to

 **Steven:** oh my god?

 **Steven:** we are literally in Star Wars but instead of lightsabers we just use our gems

 **Steven:** I could become famous!

 **Pearl:** No, Steven, that’s not how it works…

 **Steven:** I’LL CALL IT GEM WARS!

 **Sapphire:** That is a terrible idea.

 **Pearl:** Steven, the Gem War was a real thing, not like those silly cartoons you watch on television.

 **Steven:** Star Wars isn’t even a cartoon! It’s a movie! A series of movies!

 **Pearl:** What’s the difference? It’s just figures on a screen moving around. It’s not real, either way.

 **Steven:** aww… yeah, you’re right, carry on.

 

\-- **Amethyst, Ruby** \--

[  **Amethyst** has come online ]

 **Amethyst:** uh u do realize that her name isnt gonna fit if u start at the middle of the page

[  **Ruby** has come online ]

 **Ruby:** fuck off

 **Ruby:** ...EVERYTHING ENDS

 **Ruby:** AND IT ALWAYS ENDS INCORRECTLY

 **Ruby:** JUST LIKE HER FUCKING NAME ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER

 **Ruby:** aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Amethyst:** told u so

[  **Ruby** has gone offline ]

 **Amethyst:** well goodbye to you too ig

 

\-- **We are the Crystal Gems** chat --

 **Pearl:** Anyway.

 **Pearl:** I was given to Pink, or Rose, a couple thousand years before Pink was given her first colony, Earth.

 **Pearl:** My job was to make her happy, but I never seemed to be able to do so.

 **Pearl:** She wanted a colony, then when she got it, she thought it was boring and insignificant until she witnessed the first Amethysts emerging.

 **Sapphire:** Holy shit, Pearl, just tell me what this has anything to do with all the fucking lies she told us.

 **Pearl:** I’m getting there.

 **Pearl:** She wanted to witness them firsthand, as she was only really able to see them from the Moon base. So I gave her my gemsona, she used it, and we warped to the Kindergarten.

 **Pearl:** She seemed to be having quite a lot of fun, too, until the Amethysts were ordered to move out. I suggested we go look around at Earth’s… “other features”. She agreed.

 **Pearl:** Before our little trip, Pink had no idea how colonization would hurt Earth. After exploring, she realized that her “invasion” would kill everything on Earth.

 **Sapphire:** This is so cliché. Do you know how many humans do that just to gain an advantage?

 **Pearl:** She was a Diamond! She was not human!

 **Sapphire:** WHICH IS WHY WE CLEARLY CAN’T TRUST HER.

 **Pearl:** SHE KNEW A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN YOU DO.

 **Sapphire:** THEN WHY DID SHE DECIDE TO GIVE UP ALL OF HER PRECIOUS KNOWLEDGE AND RUN AWAY FROM THE MESS SHE MADE INSTEAD OF USING WHAT SHE KNEW TO FIX THINGS?

 **Pearl:** SHE TRIED!

 **Sapphire:** WELL, PERIDOT WAS RIGHT. SHE DID A LOUSY JOB! SHE HAD SO MUCH POWER AND DIDN’T USE ANY OF IT FOR OUR BENEFIT.

 **Pearl:** SHE TALKED TO THE OTHER DIAMONDS! SHE TRIED EVERY SINGLE WAY TO STOP COLONIZATION ON EARTH! BUT HER STATUS MEANT NOTHING TO BLUE AND YELLOW.

 **Sapphire:** WELL, WE DIDN’T NEED TO BE ROPED INTO THIS. EVERYTHING SHE’S EVER TOLD US WAS A LIE!

 **Pearl:** Garnet isn’t a lie. Love isn’t a lie. All of the ideals Rose has ever stood for has never been a lie.

 **Pearl:** After Garnet, Rose realized she no longer only wanted to fight for Earth. She wanted to fight for Garnet. For gems. For love.

 **Steven:** aww!

 **Sapphire:** Huh. She was following us this entire time?

 **Pearl:** What?

 **Sapphire:** I thought… we both thought that we always had to follow her, but turns out she was following us.

 **Pearl:** What…

 **Steven:** aw come on Pearl! you swept her off her feet, took her an adventure around Earth, and she wanted to live here forever with you!

 **Pearl:** Heh…

 **Sapphire:** That’s exactly how I felt when I came here with… FUCK! RUBY!

 **Sapphire:** EVERYONE HURRY THE FUCK UP, WE NEED TO GET BACK NOW!

 **Pearl:** Glad that worked.

 **Steven:** hopefully things between you and my mom will work out as well.

 **Pearl:** …

 **Steven:** wait, fuck

 **Steven:** forget I ever said that

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oml look I'm alive
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> also y'all should watch Parks and Rec, great show, it's on Netflix. I might do a fanfic on that next.
> 
> I also wrote a short story (no fandom) for Secret Santa, if y'all want to go check that out.
> 
> AND HOW 'BOUT THAT NEW EPISODE HUH
> 
> ALSO MERRY CHRISTMAS (TECHNICALLY MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS BC IT AIN'T CHRISTMAS FOR SOME OF Y'ALL NOW)
> 
> ALSO FAIR WARNING. NEXT EPISODE IS A PAST EPISODE CONSIDERING WE NOW KNOW THE DIAMONDS WERE REALLY CLOSE AND MY CHATFIC IS TOTALLY CANON NOW


	13. [Past] Singing in the Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look I'm back for another chapter this week
> 
> also spoilers for Familiar, because good lord that episode was good shit

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

[  **Blue** has come online ]

[  **White** has come online ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

**Yellow:** this again?

**Blue:** oh come on, yellow. i know you like playing this.

**White:** Pink, starlight, are you ready?

**Pink:** yep! alrighty here we go!

 

\--  **Blue Diamond, Yellow Diamond** \--

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** White always wins this game

**Yellow:** let’s team up.

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** i thought you didn’t like this game

**Yellow:** and I thought you knew I liked playing this.

**Blue:** fair enough

**Yellow:** let’s win this shit.

**Blue:** okay, if you say so.

 

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

**Pink:** aaaand white’s right again!

**Yellow:** whaT KIND OF CLODSHIT IS THIS

**Blue:** ‘clodshit’?

**Yellow:** I COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER TO SAY

**White:** I’m pretty sure the correct term is “bullshit”.

**Yellow:** I DON’T CARE

 

\--  **Blue Diamond, Yellow Diamond** \--

**Yellow:** I SWEAR TO GOD

**Blue:** yellow, the song.

**Yellow:** OH MY STARS I DON’T CARE ANYMORE FUCK THIS

 

\--  **The Diamond Authority** chat --

**Yellow:** PINK’S NOT SINGING AN ACTUAL SONG THIS TIME

**Pink:** wtf

**Pink:** how’d u figure out

**Yellow:** wait I was kidding.

**Yellow:** WAIT.

**Yellow:** I FINALLY BEAT WHITE IN A ROUND.

**Pink:** well fuck, i’m screwed

**White:** That you are.

**Pink:** white pls have mercy

**Pink:** i swear i didn’t tell her

**Blue:** what’s happening

**White:** Pink, you get back here this instance or I swear I will murder all of your… “pebbles”.

**Pink:** DON’T U DARE

[  **Pink** has gone idle ]

**Yellow:** wtf are pebbles

**Blue:** they’re the little grey things in pink’s room

**Yellow:** ew what

**Blue:** they’re cute! just like you!

**Yellow:** yeah and I bet they’re small. UNLIKE ME.

**White:** For fuck’s sake, you two. Get a room. Use Pink’s for all I care.

**White:** This is not.

**White:** The fucking.

**White:** Time.

**Blue:** she swore again

**Blue:** yellow we really should get a room

**Blue:** TO HIDE IN.

**Yellow:** AGREED.

**Yellow:** we should just stay in yours.

**Blue:** i like yours. it’s nice and warm.

**Blue:** just like you.

**White:** Please, for the sake of this entire universe, get a room.

[  **White** has gone idle ]

**Blue:** we probably should, before she actually blows up the entire universe.

**Yellow:** yeah.

[  **Blue** has gone idle ]

[  **Yellow** has gone idle ]

[  **Pink** has come online ]

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** You will regret this.

**Pink:** I REGRET EMERGING

**Pink:** I DON’T THINK IT CAN GET ANY WORSE THAN THAT

**White:** Are you willing to find out?

**Pink:** NO

**White:** Then you should stop running.

**Pink:** I AM RUNNING PRECISELY SO I DON’T HAVE TO FIND OUT

**White:** You do know that is not a very good idea.

**Pink:** LOOK WHITE, PINK THINGS

**Pink:** SACRIFICES

**Pink:** MUST

**Pink:** BE

**Pink:** MADE

**White:** !

[  **White** has gone idle ]

[  **Yellow** has come online ]

**Yellow:** holy fuck, you got White to use an exclamation point.

**Yellow:** I’m impressed and horrified at the same time.

**Yellow:** @Blue look at this.

[  **Blue** has come online ]

**Blue:** I’M TOO BUSY LOOKING AT MY BROKEN BATH

**Pink:** BEFORE I’M SHATTERED I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE

**Pink:** WHITE CAN’T ACTUALLY HEAR ME SING BECAUSE SHE’S TOO TALL SO I JUST TELL HER WHAT THE SONG IS

**Pink:** JUST SO WHITE WOULDN’T SHATTER ME

**Pink:** AND THIS TIME U GUESSED BEFORE I COULD TELL HER AND SHE’S MAD BC U WON FOR ONCE AND I THINK SHE THINKS I SENT THE ANSWER TO THE WRONG PERSON

**Pink:** ALSO SORRY ABOUT UR BATH

**Pink:** I GUESS IT’S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT’S GOING TO BE SHATTERED TODAY

**Pink:** WHITE FUCK PLS HAVE MERCY I LOVE U

[  **White** has come online ]

**White:** Hello, starlight. It seems as though you’ve forced me to ruin half the Diamond Wing.

**White:** For the 58th time this revolution.

**Pink:** I’M SRY

**White:** Are you?

**White:** Perhaps, then, I will allow your “pebbles” to keep you company for the next five revolutions.

**Pink:** that’s a reduced punishment? wtf

**White:** The original punishment was for you to replace Yellow’s pearl for five revolutions.

**Pink:** nvm, thx white

**White:** I thought so.

[  **White** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** that was… terrifying.

**Yellow:** it was.

**Yellow:** you’re so lucky, Pink. she’d murder us immediately if either of us pulled that shit.

**Pink:** thank u. i got talents too.

**Pink:** i should leave you 2 to it, right?

**Pink:** so u can b all smoochy smoochy.

[  **Pink** has gone offline ]

**Yellow:** yeah, Pink’s right. Pink does have talents too.

**Yellow:** the talent to annoy the absolute shit out of all of us.

**Blue:** yellow, be nice!

**Yellow:** what’s in it for me?

**Blue:** me in your sauna.

**Yellow:** DEAL

**Yellow:** I’LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[  **Yellow** has gone offline ]

**Blue:** stars, i love these... ‘dorks’.

[  **Blue** has gone offline ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my new headcanon is that White has to request Pink to sing louder because she's too tall
> 
> HYPE FOR NEW EPISODE TOMORROW, BOIS
> 
> Tumblr and Discord links:  
> \--> thediamondauthoritydidit.tumblr.com  
> \--> https://discord.gg/w76HRga
> 
> hmu on Tumblr btw, even tho their staff is.... yeah, y'know?
> 
> also happy new year, everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> if you've enjoyed, go ahead and do whatever idk why you'd like this shitposting
> 
> for tumblr and discord link just refer to the notes at the beginning and possibly notes at the end of every chapter I guess
> 
> okay that's it


End file.
